how does this happen

 I often wonder usually several weeks after the fact, just how did I get so far off the mark?. I wonder how did things get so out of hand and why did i fail. I always make good well intentioned plans to exercise, then BOOM its two weeks later and still not one drop of sweat shed not one push up nothing. It always leaves me wondering how does that happen.

Am I lazy? i guess i could be. Am I to busy? could be but isn't everybody !. Why does this happen not just once or twice but all the time. Do i just expect I will fail therefore I make sure I don't let myself down. I have no idea.

  I wish I could just get up in the morning jump into my workout clothes and have at it. Workout so hard that i leave a puddle of sweat on the floor. Its all so overwhelming to me that I just don't know where to begin.

  I weighed myself today for the first time in 3 months and was shocked to see the scale at 182lbs. The last time i weighed myself I was 162 so, in 3 months i have gained 20 lbs again i ask how does that happen, where do i begin to lose this weight. Well I guess I  know where I need to start and that is with my diet. When potato chips have become your go to meal i am guessing that can account for the 20lbs of fat hanging off of me

   I know that my diet is a huge issue with my weight, ie; afore mentioned potato chip habit, but not only that I will go all day without eating then be starving by supper and eat a enitre days worth of calories in one sitting and not to mention eating chips before bed. Eating is something I have struggled with my entire life so it is no surprise to me that I still struggle with it now. I know I am an emotional eater and again chips are my go to item.Just dont buy them you say been there tried that and somehow they find their way into my home and into my hand .Ifeel as though I may have a serious addicition to chips, is that even possiable ? I guess it most likely is

  I just want to be healthy and fit and i know that right now I am not that by any stretch of the imagination. i struggle with diet and exercise where to start and how to keep the motivation going for more than a few days at a time.

 So this is my begining of my next attempt to lose weight and eat healthy and be fit and do it on a budget while I work a full time shift work job and look after my 2 kids sorry just getting all of my excuses out on the table so I can read them later and tell myself that so does everyone else so suck it up buttercup cry me a river build a bridge and get over it. I know that sounds harsh but I think I need a bit of a drill sergent at this time.

So here are my goals 

1: lose 47 lbs 

2: run a 10k race in september 2014 

3: be a healthy role modle for my 2 girls 

4: feel comfortable in my own skin 

Now my ideal weight in my head is 135 however if i get to 140 an i feel good in my own skin and I feel healthy the I will maintain my weight there but if I feel that 135 isn't where I want to be then I will keep going I just want to healthy and I am just trying to make myself responsible for my own actions. I am being abusive to myself and it needs to stop STAT !!!!!